The Christmas Letter From Dysfunction Junction

The Old Man loves to get those Christmas letters. You know the type, where you get updated on all the events in the writer's family over the past year. Through the years, we've gotten them from people who were once neighbors, and its always good to know all is well and progress has been made. But, in the spirit of my usual dose of Christmas Silliness that generally alternates with true nostalgia, I present the Christmas letter you'll probably never get.

Dear Friends,

Well, where has the time gone? It seems like only yesterday that I sat down to pen the annual Bumwhacker family letter to let you know how 2010 has treated us. There have been a few changes since last year's letter. Norbert has still not found a job. He has been out of work for 12 years, now, and his prospects seem to be growing dim. Its sad, really, because he is one of the most gifted 8-track tape repairmen I've ever known. Early on, he had a couple of interviews to no avail. He seems to think that he maybe shouldn't have mentioned the prison thing. One good thing about the idle time is that he can put more time into his hobby of exploring new nutritional theories. His latest is the "Bean Burrito and Cabbage" diet. He seems to enjoy it but the neighbors are starting to complain.....especially in the summer when the windows are open.

Daughter Willybert has moved to Baltimore. She is doing quite well as a professional dancer. I think the money we spent on ballet lessons is starting to pay off because she makes good money and is beginning to send some home. Since they are mostly one dollar bills, some of the packages are quite bulky, but every little bit helps. I think she also has a part time job with the fire department as well, because she said that she's experiencing a lot of chafing from the pole.

Son Dingbert is a rising senior at Butro High School. This is his third attempt and he hopes he makes it this time. He did say, however, that the 4 years spent as a junior were almost as much fun as the 6 he spent as a third grader. Responses from the colleges he has written to have been disappointing, but he maintains a good outlook. He has a "plan B". If the colleges don't favorably respond, he will take a mail order course in Neurosurgery and set up shop in the garage.

We haven't heard from Cousin Rufus since he changed his name to Abdul el Rasheed. He was going on a trip abroad a couple of years ago and we often wonder about him. We think we may have seen him on a You Tube video "booking it" through some sand dunes, but those helicopter films are a little grainy.

I've been successful in my weight management program; I'm down 100 lbs. from my top weight of 456. If my luck holds out, I should be able to get into my original wedding dress in another month.

I guess that's about all for this year. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all!

Willimehena & Norbert Bumwhacker