Here Come de Judge, Here Come de Judge

The Old Man was a big fan of the TV show "Laugh-In" back in the '70s.  I think I remember that Sammy Davis, Jr, immortalized the "here come de judge" line in some of the skits.  "The Judge" has set up shop here in my town.  The media circus known as the John Edwards Trial is fully up to speed downtown.  I think there are more satellite trucks here than were at the Masters.  Coincidentally, today I got an e-mail that had me, as the saying goes, "LMAO".  I trust you will have a laugh-fest, my treat.

This is purportedly taken from a book titled, Disorder in the Court, and is represented to be taken from actual court transcripts.  Whether they are real or not, they are worth the laughter.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep ,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. 

Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

Veteris Homo Scit Antiquis Verba

The Old Man knows some old words.  If my 50 year old exposure to Latin has not deserted me, that's what this title says.  I always stand proudly for correction if I've butchered the language.  I was comparing aches and pains with a friend of mine lately and somehow the conversation drifted around to some old words that neither of us could remember hearing in a long time.  So, in the interest of perpetuating the culture of my childhood, I present here a smattering of words and expressions that will allow you to get some knowing looks from us oldsters.

• Sinking spell....a sudden feeling of weakness or faintness.  Think Tiger Woods fumbling for his keys when he first saw a pitching wedge in his wife's hand.
• Lumbago...chronic pain in the lower back.  Originally coined because very few could actually spell "arthritis", or didn't know anyone named Arthur.
• Vapors... mental depression or hypochondria.  Not to be confused with noxious emissions while seated in Study Hall, but used in polite society rather than "He's nuttier than a pecan grove".
• Dropsy...retention of fluid in tissues, edema, swelling.  In most instances, not a good thing.
• St. Vitus Dance... a nervous condition causing involuntary muscle contractions and bodily jerking.  Probably gave rise to Riverdance.
• Touched...mentally unstable.  Usually accompanied by the phrase, "in the head".   This is a first cousin to the expression, "That boy ain't right".
• Shitpoke...not what you first thought. It rhymes with "kite".  European in origin, it was used to refer to a young, devilish imp of a child.  Dennis the Menace meets the Tasmanian Devil. "That little shitpoke put a tack in my chair".  
• Lespediza...a cover crop, related to the pea family, often planted to provide habitat for Bob-White Quail.  When riding through the country with old people, you would hear, "Look at that lespediza.  It'd be full of quail about now".
• Afflicted...used to cover most any physical abnormality.  "He couldn't throw the ball, he seemed afflicted".  No one was ever handicapped, they were simply "afflicted".

Many things have changed through the years.  Words and expressions come, stay for awhile, and then retreat into memory.  Perhaps some of the expressions here were forerunners to the concept of "political correctness" that drives our conversation these days, where no one is "short" they are "vertically challenged".  Back then, people weren't "crazy", they were "touched" either "a bit" or even "totally afflicted". 

 The Bob-White Quail are very rare these days, and that's a shame.  I guess not enough people are planting lespediza.

There's one more I've saved for last:

By-n-by...often used to signify eternity.  "In the sweet by-n-by we'll gather at the river, etc."  Also used to signify a much shorter period of time passage.  "By-n-by, old Wilbur dropped in".  

And so will The Old Man.

Gotta Tell Ya

The Old Man is officially back.  For the past three months, I've been pretty involved in a project.  Miss Martha had a total knee replacement and I have been her chief cook and bottle-washer for a goodly portion of that time.  I'm happy to report that she is making excellent progress and her recovery is right "on track".  She'll soon be able to outrun me once again.

She hasn't died from my cooking, and I haven't burned the house down, or rearranged the spice cabinet.  During this time of "self-discovery" for us both, I've made a number of observations.  Mind you, these aren't judgments....but rather a random list of things I had never really thought about.

• It takes a talent approaching rocket science to get the bacon, eggs, hash-browns, and toast all ready at the same instant.
• A little mayonnaise goes a long way.
• Instructions on a frozen biscuit bag: "Place on an ungreased cookie sheet 1/4 inch apart.  Biscuits rise better if they are touching".
• Those people on the Cooking Network are full of crap.  It's never that easy, or quick.
• Some days it's "Buy one-Get one Day" on idiots at WalMart.
• What the heck??? I just dusted yesterday.
• People who race through a store with a shopping cart fire me up like a gorilla on caffeine overload.
• Babies-R-Us doesn't sell much a guy would be interested in.
• Is there any really right way to load a dishwasher?

And one final observation:

• Martha Jackson is the bravest and strongest woman I've ever known.

The Knee Replacement Blues

The Old Man has been busy.  There has been a lot going on around here for the past several months.  Miss Martha and I have been in preparation for her total knee replacement surgery.  There are a lot of things to take care of before a major event like this.  Her surgery was on January 13th.  And yes, it was indeed a Friday.

A word here about Miss Martha.  She has exhibited a quiet and gentle strength through all of this process that is an inspiration to our daughters and to me.  She truly has "the right stuff".  I am blessed.

For those unfamiliar with this surgery, suffice to say the actual operation is a relatively quick one.  A couple of hours and you're back into the world of the living.  The after-story is quite something else.  There is a great deal of pain and an unfathomable amount of hard work and physical therapy.  She came home with a device that her leg was strapped into for 6 hours every day.  This thing slowly flexed her leg constantly, increasing the amount of flex by several degrees each day until she reached a 90 degree bend.  It's called a CPM machine....our name for it rhymed with "witch".  She said at least I didn't wear an executioner's hood and robe when I came into the room to set her up in it.

But she's turned the corner.  Her outpatient physical therapy will begin in a few days, and the machine went away.  Thanks be for all our friends who have kept us supplied with meals.  At least, she didn't have to suffer from very much of my plebeian attempts at cooking.  While I pose no threat to any of the current Grammy contenders, I wrote this little song to commemorate the event.  Enjoy!

The Knee Replacement Blues

(Sung to the tune of Folsom Prison Blues)

I hear the walker scraping

It’s comin’ down the hall.

Martha’s on the move again

I pray she doesn’t fall.

She had a knee replacement,

And time keeps dragging on.

She’s got lots of swelling,

It wakes her up at dawn.

The walker is a bother.

But it helps her motivate.

And when she gets some better,

To a cane she’ll graduate.

She’s coping like a trooper

And eating Tylenol.

But she’s off the Oxycodone

And dreaming of the mall.

The Old Man’s washing dishes

And nuking little plates.

Doin’ two-step with the dust mop

Runnin’ the vacuum that he hates.

She had a knee replacement

And folks come dropping in.

They bring food and goodies

This fight we’re gonna win.

Hangin' In

The Old Man is still around.  Hang with me a bit and I'll be back.  It's been a very busy season, but the stories are starting to "surface".

Never Forget

The Old Man remembers his heroes.  I honor your sacrifice made 70 years ago today.

Thank you.

Thanksgiving Thought

The Old Man is in Thanksgiving mode today.  Like most, I look forward to the day of reflection on life's blessings, and to be sure, food will play heavily into the day's observance.  So, to all, I say:
 Stay focused on the positive things in your life, and don't forget to express your thanks....to God and to all those who contribute beauty to your existence.  And put the ability to laugh high on your list.

Here is my secret recipe for the Thanksgiving feasting.

    Roast Turkey

1 - 15 lb. Turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER’S LOW FAT IS BEST) Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper. 

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back. 

After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds. 

When the turkey’s rear blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it’s done.