Where You Been, Boy?

The Old Man remembers his folks who often used the title line of this post as a greeting when I deemed it important to drift in to our house after having been on a "run" with the Park Street Battalion. I've not been arrested, hospitalized, kidnapped, or called upon to assist Seal Team 6. There have been some pesky little health issues going on. I will try to make this account of my whereabouts as entertaining as possible.

I've noticed some numbness in my toes for quite some time. Others would probably agree that "numbness" is not limited to my toes. At any rate, I casually mentioned this to my doctor while on a routine visit. It reinforced a lesson I had learned before, but forgotten; there is no such thing as a "casual mention" to a doctor. They are trained in the art of subtle panic. After a little poking and listening, he indicated that he thought I had a pinched nerve in my back. "But my back doesn't hurt", I said. "It will", replied Doc. He opined as how I needed to be referred to a Neurologist to have something called a 'nerve induction test'. Okeydokey.

As if by pre-ordained plan, 5 days later, I woke up at the insistence of the lower back from hell. If I didn't know better, I would swear someone somewhere had a little voodoo doll of me riddled with pins while they giggled maniacally.

Off to the Neurologist who agreed that the nerve induction test coupled with an MRI would assist in diagnosis of my pain source. I didn't mention the voodoo doll.

"Tell me about the nerve induction test", I foolishly asked. "Oh it's pretty simple. We hook some electrodes to your body and then run low voltage electric current....." "SAY WHAT?".
"Oh don't worry, most people tolerate it very well." The little voice in my mind said, "What the crap do you mean 'tolerate'?". I had visions of being strapped down on a table, lightning flashing through the sky, and some little demented hunchback yelling, "It's alive...it's alive".

Survived the nerve test, wobbled down the hall to another room for the MRI, and proceeded to get back in the tube while the demented hunchback banged on it from somewhere out in space. Seems the Valium had kicked in.

Back to the Neurologist some days later for the diagnosis. Arthritis in the lower lumbar region coupled with some stinosis (sounds like a political party in Serbia) is causing pressure on some nerves resulting in the numbness and pain. "OK, so what's the answer?".

Come back for Chapter 2 in which The Old Man meets the rest of the cast in the drama.