Here Come de Judge, Here Come de Judge

The Old Man was a big fan of the TV show "Laugh-In" back in the '70s.  I think I remember that Sammy Davis, Jr, immortalized the "here come de judge" line in some of the skits.  "The Judge" has set up shop here in my town.  The media circus known as the John Edwards Trial is fully up to speed downtown.  I think there are more satellite trucks here than were at the Masters.  Coincidentally, today I got an e-mail that had me, as the saying goes, "LMAO".  I trust you will have a laugh-fest, my treat.

This is purportedly taken from a book titled, Disorder in the Court, and is represented to be taken from actual court transcripts.  Whether they are real or not, they are worth the laughter.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep ,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. 

Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

Veteris Homo Scit Antiquis Verba

The Old Man knows some old words.  If my 50 year old exposure to Latin has not deserted me, that's what this title says.  I always stand proudly for correction if I've butchered the language.  I was comparing aches and pains with a friend of mine lately and somehow the conversation drifted around to some old words that neither of us could remember hearing in a long time.  So, in the interest of perpetuating the culture of my childhood, I present here a smattering of words and expressions that will allow you to get some knowing looks from us oldsters.

• Sinking spell....a sudden feeling of weakness or faintness.  Think Tiger Woods fumbling for his keys when he first saw a pitching wedge in his wife's hand.
• Lumbago...chronic pain in the lower back.  Originally coined because very few could actually spell "arthritis", or didn't know anyone named Arthur.
• Vapors... mental depression or hypochondria.  Not to be confused with noxious emissions while seated in Study Hall, but used in polite society rather than "He's nuttier than a pecan grove".
• Dropsy...retention of fluid in tissues, edema, swelling.  In most instances, not a good thing.
• St. Vitus Dance... a nervous condition causing involuntary muscle contractions and bodily jerking.  Probably gave rise to Riverdance.
• Touched...mentally unstable.  Usually accompanied by the phrase, "in the head".   This is a first cousin to the expression, "That boy ain't right".
• Shitpoke...not what you first thought. It rhymes with "kite".  European in origin, it was used to refer to a young, devilish imp of a child.  Dennis the Menace meets the Tasmanian Devil. "That little shitpoke put a tack in my chair".  
• Lespediza...a cover crop, related to the pea family, often planted to provide habitat for Bob-White Quail.  When riding through the country with old people, you would hear, "Look at that lespediza.  It'd be full of quail about now".
• Afflicted...used to cover most any physical abnormality.  "He couldn't throw the ball, he seemed afflicted".  No one was ever handicapped, they were simply "afflicted".

Many things have changed through the years.  Words and expressions come, stay for awhile, and then retreat into memory.  Perhaps some of the expressions here were forerunners to the concept of "political correctness" that drives our conversation these days, where no one is "short" they are "vertically challenged".  Back then, people weren't "crazy", they were "touched" either "a bit" or even "totally afflicted". 

 The Bob-White Quail are very rare these days, and that's a shame.  I guess not enough people are planting lespediza.

There's one more I've saved for last:

By-n-by...often used to signify eternity.  "In the sweet by-n-by we'll gather at the river, etc."  Also used to signify a much shorter period of time passage.  "By-n-by, old Wilbur dropped in".  

And so will The Old Man.

Gotta Tell Ya

The Old Man is officially back.  For the past three months, I've been pretty involved in a project.  Miss Martha had a total knee replacement and I have been her chief cook and bottle-washer for a goodly portion of that time.  I'm happy to report that she is making excellent progress and her recovery is right "on track".  She'll soon be able to outrun me once again.

She hasn't died from my cooking, and I haven't burned the house down, or rearranged the spice cabinet.  During this time of "self-discovery" for us both, I've made a number of observations.  Mind you, these aren't judgments....but rather a random list of things I had never really thought about.

• It takes a talent approaching rocket science to get the bacon, eggs, hash-browns, and toast all ready at the same instant.
• A little mayonnaise goes a long way.
• Instructions on a frozen biscuit bag: "Place on an ungreased cookie sheet 1/4 inch apart.  Biscuits rise better if they are touching".
• Those people on the Cooking Network are full of crap.  It's never that easy, or quick.
• Some days it's "Buy one-Get one Day" on idiots at WalMart.
• What the heck??? I just dusted yesterday.
• People who race through a store with a shopping cart fire me up like a gorilla on caffeine overload.
• Babies-R-Us doesn't sell much a guy would be interested in.
• Is there any really right way to load a dishwasher?

And one final observation:

• Martha Jackson is the bravest and strongest woman I've ever known.