Here Come de Judge, Here Come de Judge

The Old Man was a big fan of the TV show "Laugh-In" back in the '70s.  I think I remember that Sammy Davis, Jr, immortalized the "here come de judge" line in some of the skits.  "The Judge" has set up shop here in my town.  The media circus known as the John Edwards Trial is fully up to speed downtown.  I think there are more satellite trucks here than were at the Masters.  Coincidentally, today I got an e-mail that had me, as the saying goes, "LMAO".  I trust you will have a laugh-fest, my treat.

This is purportedly taken from a book titled, Disorder in the Court, and is represented to be taken from actual court transcripts.  Whether they are real or not, they are worth the laughter.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep ,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. 

Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.